Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[DIGGER]

My girlfriend has accused me of “cheating on her”.

My thoughts were “man….she is starting to sound just like my wife”

[DIGGER]

At the bar last night a waitress started screaming “ does anyone know CPR?”

I hollered back “I know the entire alphabet!!”….and we laughed and laughed and laughed….all except one guy.

[DIGGER]

I recently felt uncomfortable as I was driving into the local cemetery.......My GPS blurted out
"You have reached your final destination"

[DIGGER]

My son:  "I feel like you're always making up rules and stuff."

Me:  "Like what?"

Son:  "Like if I don't clean my room a portal will open and take me to another dimension."

Me:  "Well....thats what happened to your older brother."

Son:  "What older brother?"

Me:  "Exactly!"

[DIGGER]

You ever notice that all instruments that are looking for “intellegent life”….
.are pointed away from Earth?

[Jess from VA]

The way I heard it, it was a peacock (not a parrot).   

[RP#62]

I'll see your dad joke and raise you with:

What has a horn and flies?












A garbage truck.


-RP

[DIGGER]

Heard a good Dad's joke today.

What day do fish really hate?

FRYDAY!!!

 

What did the fish say when he ran into a concrete wall?
DAM!!

[DIGGER]

At the bar a guy is telling about a fishing trip.  He said “I caught a 7 lb 4 ounce bass and fought him back and forth and he got off the hook right at the boat and got away”.
Another guy said “ If he git off the hook and got away how do you know he weighed 7 lb 4 oz”?
The fisherman said “ when he was right at the boat I could see his scales”!

[John Schmidt]

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line. 

[DIGGER]

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.  

Haha

[DIGGER]

When in a relationship make sure at least one of you have good credit.
That is why your partner is called your “significant other”

         “ Sign/if/I/cant”

[DIGGER]

Saw in Readers Digeat true story section.....

5 yr old asked grandma how old she was....she said Im 82 yrs old.
The child said"WOW Grandma.....did you start at 0"?

[da prez]

                                              JACKASS
 An Irish priest was transferred to Texas..Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish .
 He walked to the window of his bedroom to get  a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
 He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
 He promptly called the local police station.
  The conversation went like this: Good Morning. This is Sergent Jones. How might I help you?
 And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.  There's a jackass lying dead in me lawn!
 Sergent Jones , considering himself to be quite a wit , replied with a smirk, Well now Father, It was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites.
  There was dead silence on the line for a long moment,
 Father O'Malley then replied: Aye . tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.

[John Schmidt]

Big game hunter goes to the dentist with a bad tooth. Dentist says it has to come out and reached for the needle of novocaine. The hunter tells him to not bother with it, he's had experience with more pain than a tooth being pulled and can handle this. Dentist couldn't believe it so asked what had happened. The hunter said he was out bear hunting in Alaska and felt the call of nature #2 so squatted next to a tree to relieve himself. Unbeknownst to him, he had lowered himself over a bear trap and with the first bowel expulsion it caused the jaws of the trap to slam shut on his privates. The dentist exclaimed that must have been the worst pain ever for a man to experience. The hunter said noooo...it was when I came to the end of the chain. 

[John Schmidt]

An old man with a cane gets on the city bus and after walking down the aisle, realized there were no seats available. Suddenly the bus hits a big chuckhole, causing it to jerk quite hard and the old man's cane slipped out from under him on the slick floor and he fell. As he's picking himself up, a little boy seated nearby said "mister, if you put a little rubber thing on the tip of your stick, it won't slip." The irritated old man replied "sonny, if your daddy had done the same thing seven years ago, I'd have a seat today!" 

[John Schmidt]

Huge fight at a local seafood place. Battered fish everywhere!

[Jess from VA]

Not a joke, a true story.

It tuns out that a course of strong antibiotics can bring on some diarrhea.

So while the bad tooth and swollen jaw are being treated, there will be no passing gas (at all), sneezing, coughing, laughing, and it's really better if I stay off the stairs.

Just a small public service announcement.     

[John Schmidt]

Jess, if that was while in the USAF you were probably treated by the same dentist that pulled a wisdom tooth for me. Three nights later I was in such pain I went out to the base dispensary, my jaw & cheek were swollen beyond recognition. Doc on duty took one look and cursed...then reached for some scissors. He took one snip inside my mouth and said "spit"...out came all kinds of ugly smelling stuff but I had almost immediate relief. The cause...the stupid dentist after removing the tooth sewed the tooth socket...and my cheek...together. That created a pocket back there that caught food which caused the socket to become infected by fermenting food. The symptoms you described followed for the next few days, thankfully our commander ordered me to stay home. Turned out he had the same experience in the past with anitbiotics so knew all about my upcoming miseries.

[John Schmidt]

I have at least two things to check out when I arrive there. First, will my golf game improve, and second...do the angels hair really look like long thin spaghetti. This, after reuniting with my two daughters and wife. I know...supposed to be a joke thread but your last one triggered my post. 

[ridingron]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

 As she lay her beloved pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

 After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

 The distressed! owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

 Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

 "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

 The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

 As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

 The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

 The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm! sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

 Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

 The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"

 The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

[DIGGER]

Me:  Its not about how many times you fall down.....
Its about how many times you get back up.

Officer:  No....thats not how a sobriety test works.

[John Schmidt]

Whoever stole my depression medication...
 
I hope you're happy! 

[da prez]

  So the older close to dementia guy marries a very young girl.  They agreed to separate bedrooms except for sex.
  On the wedding night , a knock at the door was the groom. He entered and they made love that amazed her.
 He goes back to his room.  A while later , a knock at her door was the groom. He entered and they made love again that amazed her.
 He goes back to his room. A while later , a knock at her door was the groom. He entered and they made love again that amazed her.  She was in shock. "I have been with men a third your age and the have not been able to perform like you".
  He asked,"have I been here before"?

                                                         da prez

[da prez]

  So the accountant is in for his second interview.  He is asked what is the total of two and two?
 He looks around the room , closes the drapes , sits back down and asks "what do you want it to be"?

                                  da prez

[ridingron]

Two buddies, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Budweiser.

 The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

 Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads and throw the bottles under the seat."

 "What fer?" asked Bubba.

 "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

 Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on each of their foreheads.

 When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys ya'll been drinkin’?"

 "No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels . . . "Me and Bubba's on the Patch."

[John Schmidt]

Little girl asked her dad "do all fairy tales beging with 'once upon a time'?" Her father answered "no honey, some begin with 'if I'm elected'."

[bassman]

Science can be fun.....


Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the wind-shields of airliners and military jets all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the wind-shields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the wind-shields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter-proof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the wind-shield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

Defrost the chicken  ...........

[bassman]

HERE’S HOW BAD INFLATION IS:

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and now finally learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Called to get Blue Book Value on my car. They asked if gas tank was full or empty.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.
I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[John Schmidt]

"My truck's crashed, my boat trailer is in the ditch, and I'm sxxxfaced."

Word for word what a guy said on his cellphone as I walked past going into Walmart. I think someone needs to find this guy and teach him to play a guitar, we'd have a country music hit on our hands.  

[DIGGER]

I saw a bumper sticker today that Ive been laughing at all afternoon.....

You cant fix stupid....
But you can temporarily dull it with a 2x4.

[Tazman11]

A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble! 

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..''
His response -- click..

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

[DIGGER]

If a liars pants really did catch on fire......the news would be a whole lot more fun to watch.

[henry 008]

If a liars pants really did catch on fire......the news would be a whole lot more fun to watch.

  

[John Schmidt]

If a liars pants really did catch on fire......the news would be a whole lot more fun to watch.

To say nothing of uncontrolled fire and smoke in D.C

[DIGGER]

Down on the coast at a small seafood stand on the beach a sign said "Lobster Tails $2.00"
I paid my two dollars and the guy in the window says.....

"once upon a time...there was this lobster....."

[DIGGER]

I picked up a hitchhiker.  Down the road he says "aren't you afraid picking up hitchhikers that one might be a serial killer?"
I answered "not really....I mean....what are the odds of two serial killers being in the same car?"

[DIGGER]

In the news....

Authorities found a woman drowned in a bath tub full of milk.....they think it might have been done by a serial killer.

[Willow]

In the news....

Authorities found a woman drowned in a bath tub full of milk.....they think it might have been done by a serial killer.

That my friend deserves all of these:           

Rams

cereal killer

[DIGGER]

A guy is going for a divorce...
He tells the judge "I just cant take it anymore...my wife is out every night till well after midnite going from bar to bar!!!"
The judge says "What is she doing?"
Guy "Looking for me..."